Insomnia Carousel
The following excerpt was inspired by the stream-of-consciousness format of Ducks, Newburyport by Lucy Ellmann. The style of writing in that book reminded me of my inner monologue whenever I can’t sleep.
In bed. Heavy cotton sheets. Cool room. Comfy mattress and pillow. Nothing can go wrong! I have to be up early tomorrow. Remember to pack my laptop charger, racquet, and workout clothes too. Did I create a Google Calendar reminder for that? I’ll have to make sure DND mode is off. DND’s gotten me in trouble a few times. Do Not Disturb. Dungeons and Dragons. Do Not Dump. And remember to pack lunch. No wait, I’m grabbing lunch with a colleague tomorrow. I wonder how long it takes to walk from the office to the community centre. I wonder if it’ll rain. Wait - I need to pee. And check if I took my birth control.
🎶 You can kiss a hundred boys in bars 🎶
RRSP deadline is March 3rd. Tariffs effective March 4th. TFSA. FHSA. ETFs. EFT transfers. Update my budget. Axe the Tax. Stop the Drugs. Some guy in Product at work looks like Pierre Poilievre and I have to resist telling him each time. The fact that in the 3.5 years I’ve been employed there, 3 colleagues have passed away. The fact that none of them got to retire. The fact that the first passed 4 months after his diagnosis. The fact that the second guy got murdered in his own home. The fact that the last to go was the sweetest lady and the reason I got a certificate to put on my LinkedIn to show that I’m not a total slacker. Facebook + Instagram + WhatsApp = Meta. TikTok. Telegram. Bluesky. X. Pinterest. Reddit. YouTube. PMDD. PCOS. PTSD. ADHD. BPD. PSI. HST. GST break. Carbon Tax.
The tennis coaches volley back and forth like it’s the easiest thing ever. Watching them reminds me of when I follow the blue dot with my eyes during EMDR treatment. “Float back - what is the most difficult image of that memory?” The fact is, I remember so much. Too much. And I’m not sure if I’m just pathologizing normal, uncomfortable experiences to “make the most of therapy” or telling the objective truth. Awake during naptime in preschool. Watching Grave of the Fireflies in the living room of that apartment with the big mudroom in Taoyuan. That horrible scene when the younger sister takes a bite of ice cream right before she passes. Me walking in too-large house slippers and tripping over them, my teeth puncturing right under my lower lip. Two years old. Dad couldn’t stay and watch me get stitches without feeling nauseated. Six years old. Lynn shoves me to the same living room floor because she gets so excited when Detective Conan comes on. “Shh, stop crying. You can hit me as hard as you want before Mom and Dad get home.”
Did I take melatonin? I did. I’ll just take Sleep Restore as well. And I need to pee again.
Half marathon training. Balancing running with strength training with mobility work with meditation with yoga nidra with journaling with cold plunging. Mind-body connection. Utkatasana. Scoop and tuck the pelvis. Cortisol face. 45 mins on the Stairmaster. Beef Tallow! 5 reasons why you’re working out 4-6x times a week but still look the same (caption below). What I Eat in a Day (160g protein). Become UNRECOGNIZABLE in 2025. Become the best Stanley cup sipping, Rhode lip balm applying, Alo Yoga wearing, Rebecca Yarros reading, Ugg Talisman stomping, walk pad while working, face slugging, morning pages writing, whole foods eating, celery juice chugging, laser hair removing, dry brushing, TikTok shop browsing version of yourself this year! Pilates Princess Propaganda. Lymphatic Drainage. Microneedling. “JUVÉDERM® is the world’s leading brand of facial fillers and has proven hyaluronic acid gel technology to deliver natural looking results.”
🎶 One too many years
Some tattooed eyelids on a facelift
Mind over matter is magic
I do magic 🎶
Car rides. Wayne and Lynn asleep and drooling on their shirts on either side of me in the minivan. Camping. Gas station popsicles. Pony licking mom’s hand in Banff. The fact that Stan and Stacy’s parents took them there in their teens and they hated it. Made their dad cry. Made their mom furious. California, the Golden State. “NASA Uses New Technology to Understand California Wildfires.” Salinas. John Steinbeck. How I’m still looking for a novel to make me feel the same as I did when I finished The Grapes of Wrath. Historical fiction. Speculative fiction. Science fiction. Bildungsroman. Schadenfreude. Danke schoen! Hungover and crying in Napa. Lynn walking down the aisle. Looking for God and Dad in San Francisco.
I wish I could sleep. Just 2-3 hours uninterrupted is all I ask. What have I done to deserve this?
“Forgive me for the harm I have caused this world. None may atone for my actions but me and only in me shall their stain live on. I am thankful to have been caught, my fall cut short by those with wizened hands. All I can be is sorry, and that is all I am.”
MAGA. January 6th. Freedom Convoy. Vance telling Zelensky to be “grateful.” Trump claiming that “this is going to make great television.” When “Fuck Trudeau!” and “Axe the Tax!” were holding hands skipping merrily through a meadow before they morphed into “Stop the Drugs!” MAHA. Red Dye 40. Measles outbreak in Texas. “America The Beautiful.” 40 acres and a mule. Model minorities. DEI and “wokeness” to blame for the disintegration of society and nuclear families. Affirmative Action. Diversity hires. “We invite the most disabled, most ethnic, most poor, and most queer candidates to apply for this less-than-livable-wage internship in this incredibly expensive and exhausting city!” Cancel culture and “cancel culture.” Black and white thinking. Red herring fallacies. Straw man argument. Confirmation bias. Similarity bias. False dilemmas and slippery slopes.
“In his masculine.” Soy boys and beta cucks. “Provider mentality.” “In her feminine.” Tradwives and ballerina farms. The fact that Tommy just lets me be my potty-mouthed self. The fact that he holds my hand when the news gets upsetting and tucks my feet in the blanket on the couch every night. The fact that I had no idea a love like this could find me. The fact that I don’t believe in manifestation, but I think I dreamed of him before I met him. The fact that I love a long, sure thing - forever with Tommy, 5+km walks, 75-minute massages, and big books.
How life affirming moments find me in the oddest places - running on the Cambie Bridge in the pouring rain, sitting in a restaurant full of people whose languages I don’t understand, napping on the grass in a park. The fact that sometimes you have to live with a version of yourself you don’t like, but you also have to practice some self-compassion anyway. The fact that forgiveness creeps up on you and alchemizes all trite and puny sorrows into belief and courage.
At some point in the last decade, showing up earnestly became uncool. “Making moves in silence.” How introverts love to declare that they enjoy their alone time so loudly on the Internet. Loneliness epidemic. The fact that people would rather sit in the comfort of lonerism than put themselves out there for friendship, because everything’s a competition of who cares less now. Lack of third spaces. How in Heterosexual World, girls and women are often urged to “give the poor guy a chance” but you rarely hear it the other way around.
Smokey Robinson. Jackson 5. Prince. Sister Nancy. Etta James. Bee Gees. Sergio Mendes. Astrud Gilberto. Maxine Nightingale. Billie Holiday. Led Zeppelin. Joni Mitchell. The Mamas & The Papas. Bob Dylan. Talking Heads. Peter Gabriel. The Smashing Pumpkins. Elliott Smith. Radiohead. Moby. Air. Outkast. A Tribe Called Quest. TLC. De La Soul. MF Doom. King Geedorah. Wu Tang Clan. Three 6 Mafia.
The fact that I saw OFWGKTA at The Vogue twice and Earl Sweatshirt there once. The fact that I’ll be old and croaking to the youngsters “back in my day, that Frank Ocean used to come out and perform and release new music you know!” The fact that I’ll be retired and still dancing foolishly to Ginseng Strip 2002.
I have to fucking pee AGAIN.
Toni Morrison. bell hooks. James Baldwin. Colson Whitehead. Naguib Mahfouz. Adania Shibli. Claire Keegan. Sally Rooney. Cormac McCarthy. Donald Ray Pollock. Irvine Welsh. James Joyce. Jeffrey Eugenides. Douglas Coupland.
The fact that I watched and read White Oleander and Girl, Interrupted when I was probably too young but they warned me womanhood could be harrowing, wild and beautiful. The fact that I learned to tame my rage but let it teach me what it needs to while it’s dormant.
The fact that I’ll need to postpone lunch with my coworker tomorrow, because I’ll be in complete shambles getting through the day.